Dear Future Husband

This is a remix of Meghan Trainor’s song “Dear Future Husband” in the form of a letter. I have taken inspiration from the concept of the song and used it to write a letter of vows.

Dear Future Husband,

I vow to hold you in the middle of the night, even when I have to wake up at 5 a.m. the next morning, and after exhaling through my frustration because you’ve kicked me in the middle of your nightmare. I vow to wake you up each morning with a gentle kiss and a sleepy murmur of ‘I love you.’ However if that doesn’t wake you up, and it should, I vow to smother you with a pillow or splash you with water from the sink then lock myself in the bathroom to hide from your retaliation.

I vow to make you a nutritional breakfast every day, through protests and thrown up hands due to lack of sugar; it’s okay, we’ll have waffles on Sundays. I vow to whip up a variety of appetizers when your friends come over to watch the big game, and to hold myself back from snatching the food away if anyone criticizes my cooking. I vow to always have hot sauce in the fridge, and yogurt, and cheese. I vow to plate our dinners as if we are attending a classy restaurant, with a sprig of rosemary on top.

I vow to contain my online shopping urges, so that we can pay the house bills. Similarly, I vow to love you through rich and poor times, as long as we still have a good credit rating. I vow to not cover the house in vintage décor, and to incorporate your modern tastes. I vow to not paint the bathroom lilac, and to compromise on periwinkle blue instead. I vow to not get frustrated at you when you don’t follow the instructions on how to build a shelf from Ikea, and to encourage you that the experts that wrote the instructions clearly didn’t know what they were doing anyways. Additionally, I vow that when the shelf collapses, I will refrain from telling you that I predicted this outcome all along.

I vow to rarely give you reasons to worry; I will always look both ways before I cross the street, so that your mind can be at ease that I’m not going to get hit by a car when you’re not with me. I vow to write you sticky notes on your lunches for work to embarrass you in front of all your colleagues. I also vow that when I’m angry, those sticky notes will be extra embarrassing. I vow to hold your hand when you cry, as I know you will hold my hand whenever I cry even if I’m crying over military reunions on Ellen.

I vow to acknowledge your skill in basketball, and to constantly encourage you to be the next Michael Jackson…I mean Jordan. I vow to never cheer for another team besides the Raptors, out loud. I vow to react to your singing along to the radio as if I’m at an Usher concert, and be in awe even if you’re singing to Taylor Swift.

I vow to not gloat that I’m always right in every situation, even though I am, and to let you have your wins too, occasionally. But at the end of every fight, I vow to jump into your arms and tell you that you’re the most amazing man in the world, and that I don’t expect a gift from Tiffany’s to make me feel better. (Flowers wouldn’t hurt though.) All in all, I vow to love you unconditionally for forever, and even after. We’ll wreak havoc in the afterlife, babe.

Adoringly,

Your Future Wife